Pregnancy can mean different things to different people, but one thing’s for sure: it’s definitely life changing! From the moment a couple sees that positive on the pregnancy test, nothing is the same. What follows are months of doctor’s appointments, morning sickness, anticipation, anxiety, and more.

But for some parents, this life-changing experience takes an unexpected turn. While they’d been planning on welcoming a new child into their life, complications can lead to either death during pregnancy or shortly after birth. These losses during pregnancy or infancy are unfortunately both all too common and often overlooked. 

The purpose of this post is to raise awareness of the unspoken pain so many parents face, as well as give you some tools to help those who are struggling with grief.  

The Loss

According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, about one million pregnancies each year end in some kind of loss (1), whether that be a miscarriage (loss before 20 weeks pregnant) or a stillbirth (loss after 20 weeks pregnant but before or during delivery). Anywhere from 10-25% of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage alone (2). In addition to these losses during pregnancy, about 24,000 babies die after birth while still in infancy (3).

While these losses don’t affect everyone in the exact same way, losing a baby before, during, or after birth has a serious impact on the parents. Research shows that miscarriages can take a big emotional toll on both women and men, even if the baby was lost very early on in pregnancy (4). Research also shows an equally strong reaction to stillbirths as families struggle to cope “for years and sometimes decades” (5).

With all of the emotions and grief to sort through, parents need support now more than ever. Unfortunately, they often don’t receive the support they need to cope with their loss (6).

So what can we do to help our loved ones cope with the tragedy of pregnancy or infant loss?

Helping Loved Ones Cope

Helping loved ones deal with loss during pregnancy or infancy can be really tricky. Often times, these parents may need help from professional counselors as they work through their grief. (They also may benefit from support groups online or the free bereavement materials from March of Dimes.)  But there are a few things we can do as friends and family members to acknowledge their loss and support them in the process. 

The American Pregnancy Association suggests a few ways to help your loved one cope with a miscarriage (7). These also apply to stillbirths or the loss of an infant as well. 

• Listen. As part of the grieving process, a parent may just need someone to tell their story to. Genuinely listening with love can go a long way as they try to heal. 
• Validate their feelings. Let them know that their grief and emotions are normal, and that this is all a part of the healing process. Even if it’s been some time, don’t tell them it’s time to move on or get over it. 
• Be ready to talk about the baby. They may not always be ready to talk about the baby, but when they are, be there. Talking about their baby is a healthy part of coping with grief.

Break the Silence

So many mothers and fathers struggle alone with the loss of their baby. But it doesn’t have to be that way! This pregnancy was still life-changing and still should be talked about. As friends and family, we can be there to support those who are experiencing the grief of losing their child so they don’t have to suffer in silence.

I know of many parents, including some of my own aunts, uncles and friends, that spend the majority of their day helping their children participate in extracurricular activities. They meticulously organize each hour of the day to accommodate and fit in each child’s separate activities. I have an aunt, for example, who, with her three young children, is constantly running around to soccer, basketball, dance, theater, gymnastics, piano, swimming, and church activities. My grandparents are often pulled in to help take them places when the two of them can’t spread themselves thin enough to cover it all. 

The oldest of their daughters described her day as “busy” and “different every day depending on the activity”. When I was a young girl, I had maybe one or two extracurricular activities and spent most of my after-school time simply playing around the neighborhood or inside with my siblings. 

So the question arises: When do extracurricular activities stop being beneficial? Let’s look at the Pros and Cons.

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Depression–or feeling sad, frustrated, and hopeless about life, accompanied by loss of pleasure in most activities and disturbances in sleep, appetite, concentration, and energy–is one of the most common psychological problems among adolescents. According to previous research done at the American Psychiatric Association in 2013, 20 to 50 percent of U.S. teenagers experience mild to moderate feelings of depression, but bounce back after a short time. What’s even more worrisome is the 15 to 20 percent of teens who have had one or more major depressive episodes. That rate is comparable to that of adults! About 5 percent of teens are chronically depressed–gloomy and self-critical for many months and sometimes years.  

Many parents wonder what causes depression. I’ve heard many parents express some of the following questions about depression:  Is it real? What causes it? Is it genetics? Is it something happening at school? Puberty? Is it my fault?

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The word teratogen comes from the Greek word, teras, meaning “malformation” or “monstrosity” (Berk, L., Development Through the Lifespan, p. 81). During pregnancy, it’s extremely important to take care of yourself and your baby, and many mothers don’t know about teratogens, or certain aspects of their environment that could cause damage during the prenatal period. However, many effects of teratogens go beyond immediate physical damage. Some health effects are delayed and may not show up for decades. 

Here are three of the most common teratogens.  Recognizing them and understanding their effect on your body, and that of your unborn children, will help you know what to avoid. 

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In February of 2017, in the middle of one of the coldest winters in years, it was also the wettest.  The water couldn’t sink into the frozen ground so it pooled. Fields quickly turned to ponds and small lakes and roads became rivers.  No one in our area had seen anything like it, and only a few were prepared for the waters. Entire roads were flushed out and homes were sunk in less than a day.  Rumors about the local dams overflowing were spreading. Even though my spouse worked for the city and assured me the rumors were false, I began to worry.

We have some camping supplies, but if we had to leave in a hurry, or even hunker down at home, we could be in trouble.  I looked at my daughter and realized I had no water storage for food or formula if needed.  

It was a wakeup call.

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Today, a coalition of medical organizations released a public statement condemning recent comments in favor of abortion and opposed to conscience protections made by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Family Physicians, the American College of Physicians, the American Psychiatric Association and the American Osteopathic Association. The coalition letter calls on this “Group of Six” left leaning medical guilds to acknowledge the scientific fact that every human person’s life begins at fertilization and to recommit to the ancient medical ethics principle of “first do no harm.”

The coalition of pro-life healthcare organizations includes the American Association of Pro-Life Obstetricians and Gynecologists, American College of Pediatricians, Catholic Medical Association, Christian Medical Association, Coptic Medical Association, National Association of Catholic Nurses and The National Catholic Bioethics Center.

Executive Director of American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds) Michelle Cretella, MD, said “Americans need to realize that the Group of Six do not represent physicians who take an oath to first do no harm in the tradition of Hippocrates. The Hippocratic Oath logically forbids the intentional killing of human life from conception to natural death. Death is not a state of health; killing is not caring. Abortion, assisted suicide and euthanasia are not health care.”

The pro-life medical coalition chastises the pro-abortion medical guilds for using the “sanctity of the patient-physician relationship” in their comments as an excuse to reject the sanctity of human life from conception to natural death. Furthermore, the coalition encourages their primary care colleagues to recognize the inherent right to life of all human persons, regardless of age, stage of development, physical or mental ability, physical location, state of dependency or the subjective designation of “being desired.” The coalition is calling for better and more equitable healthcare for all vulnerable populations, including improved access to maternal and fetal healthcare, and improvement on social determinants of health.

The coalition’s full statement can be viewed here.

The American College of Pediatricians is a national medical association of licensed physicians and healthcare professionals who specialize in the care of infants, children, and adolescents. The mission of the College is to enable all children to reach their optimal, physical and emotional health and well-being.

The American College of Pediatricians was joined today by the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons, the Catholic Medical Association, and the Alliance for Therapeutic Choice in urging the Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Jerome Adams, to issue a call to action regarding transgender medical interventions for children. The full letter may be read here.

Dr. Cretella, executive director of the ACPeds stated, “Harmful hormonal and surgical interventions are being routinely prescribed to gender dysphoric youth in lieu of ethical psychotherapy despite the fact that the vast majority will outgrow their GD if allowed to progress through natural puberty.”

Medical intervention for children with gender dysphoria begins with puberty blockers and is typically followed by the use of toxic cross sex hormones, and the surgical removal of breasts and/or reproductive organs, in addition to cosmetic operations to simulate genitalia of the opposite sex. Girls as young as 13 have received double mastectomies in this country.

Dr. Quentin L. Van Meter, president of the ACPeds explained, “The grave side effects of transgendering include, but are not limited to, sterility, sexual dysfunction, blood clots, strokes, cardiac disease, osteoporosis, malignancy, and persistently elevated rates of suicide. Children and teens do not have the cognitive capacity to fully comprehend these risks.”

The letter requests that the Surgeon General issue an advisory advising children’s health professionals of the serious and irreversible health risks to children and adolescents from medical interventions for gender dysphoria and include these in the Public Health Reports – SAG Journals. It also asks that he call for a meta-analyses of the pertinent psychiatric and medical literature which can be used to determine truly evidence-based standards of care and public policy that will first do no harm.

The American College of Pediatricians is a national medical association of licensed physicians and healthcare professionals who specialize in the care of infants, children, and adolescents. The mission of the College is to enable all children to reach their optimal, physical and emotional health and well-being.